Youre the rehab im the drugs
Still rehabbing. Well at least im not shooting dope or dead.
Dreams of the Damaged Always Stay That Way; As Dreams; Never Reality
I used to always day dream about how if one thing in my life were different that i would have ended up as someone who made an impact on the world or even just as someone myself would look in the mirror and be content with…today i cant even look in the mirror because the person staring back at me is someone i dont know or even recognize. I had a lot of things going for me and instead i chose to run from myself, my mind, and pushed away people i love and who wanted the best for me all because i couldnt handle the pain of being alive with my memories and with what happened over the last few years with suicides, my dads accident, and losing the love of my life…twice. its easy to day dream so that when i wake up i can feel like maybe thats my life and the one im living isnt reality.
There is always one person you love who becomes that definition you use even subconsciously when you are dating/looking/considering another person besides them. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love/hate about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive/unreasonable/unhealthy and are traits you know you should avoid but because this person got under your skin into your heart for some reason it makes this behavior ok. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else; they just seem to be up on a pedestol because they were your first love/the first person you let in/ the ionly one who made you feel like you were worth anything/worthy of love; and often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone and be loved. But that person still wins. and they always will because a healthy relationship is supposed to be a partnership, no one is supposed to have more power over the other or it shouldn’t be about who can hurt the other one more. They win, and you lose; and it will never change because they know that you will bend to them whenever and for that they dont respect you nor do they want you because they can have you; they want someone they can chase even if that person is not as special/more beautiful/ or even more interesting then you. And because they know this power they have over you that for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else because you will always compare any attributes they had to everyone else; even if you meet a prince charming that first will always be there in the back of your mind, that second before you fall asleep, and the thought in your head when you’re so alone that it physically hurts and you would cut your own heart out just to be lying next to them or have them acknowledge your existence instead of deserting you like everyone else does and making it so they have completed breaking you down entirely to where you are on your knees with sadness and self-loathing; then they will feel as if they are important and that they have power and can block their own hatred for who they are for a while as long as you are there to fall back on when they’re down and need someone to remind them of how more pathetic they could be. some men say women ruin are crazy and ruin your lives, well men take what little sanity we have left and destroy any possible recovery from the emotional abuse they inflict and make imprinted into our psyche for the rest of our lives; making it almost impossible to trust anyone or even to start a normal relationship again without being paranoid or fucking things up just so you dont get hurt the way you did before; especially if you feel safe and comfortable with that person enough to let your guard down. I feel as if men can sense that wall somming down around me after they work so hard to get through it and when they do all they want is to make me go crazy with uncertainty and watch me patheticly beg for even just a conversation let alone affection to the point where if i think about how I acted i feel physically ill at the thought that i could become such a damaged,pathetic,lonely, stupid less-then-human piece of shit they wipe their shoes off with while showing me how many gorgeous/stable/non-damaged girls want to be with them and how better they get treated even though I treat them like a king. If i ever get treated with kindness it bewilders me because I haven’t had someone genuinely care or be kind to me without wanting something in return or who doesn’t have a hidden agenda or who isnt just using me for the time being while they look for something better or so they can use for my car/money/generosity; since when i care about someone I do everything in my power to make them happy and to make sure that they are never without what they need or what they want because if I don’t i wouldn’t even get the little sympathy affection I get sometimes even after i do grand gestures like drive hundreds of miles to be with them or move across the world to see if things would work out or quit school and spend 50,000 trying to make their dreams come true only to find myself alone and the person who i thought was my partner was cheating/keeping options open/lying just to get what they wanted from me and telling me things that i cant even believe if someone tells me it because ive heard it so many times and then just found out it was all a lie or that it was being said to not just me but to a lot of girls. I try my hardest to find love and to try and discover what things could be but all i usually get is a brush off after they fuck me enough and tell me those sweet things that make me feel like I am worthy of happiness only to have it ripped out from under me and be expected to stqnd up
I Wont Throw Up On You Though, if I Do It’ll Be With Love
Wishful Thinking
I’m all yours, if you’re all mine. ❤
a quote
the unexamined life is not worth living, the more you expose yourself to the horrors of the world the more experiences you will have to re live again and again when your thoughts should turn to liquid and spill out onto the parchment turning into the biography of the undead.
frustrations of the heart
i hate this feeling, especially when im just being paranoid and nothing is actually wrong… i dont know but i wish i coud get a sign as to what is going on, this would be the time to read minds if there was one. i wish i was back in portland in our motel room, but your 3000 miles away and i wish i could be your big spoon :)
bum juggin it with my babe in a motel in portland haha niiiice
